Once in a while I make a trip to the land of religion. Truly, just once in a while like many of us do, I too make the excuse of being an eremite…wandering alone through the wilderness of life. Once in a while, when the dreariness of the vastness of life overtakes me I seek solace in the shades of God to get a way to enter reality again…with renewed vigour… to criticize life. When again I get tired and frustrated with this real life criticism I cringe to my god not for faith but to criticize his ways…of handling my life.
Criticism is all that I can do. It’s not that I criticize everybody and everything around me alone but the poor myself too. I hate ‘the everything’ of me. People envy me for what I am or who I am and I should be proud of that. But the disgruntled soul in me doesn’t allow me to lead a contented life. No matter how hard I try, the disparager in me finds all ways and means to castigate everything around me and make my life miserable. When I am exhausted by my own cynicism and overtaken by chagrin then again I realize I have to make my trip to god’s land and comfort my weary soul. For god alone can understand the turmoil within me and forgive me for my deviations. I argue with him for no fault of His and blame Him for all my tears. I feel gratified by my victory as I have all the saying. Impressed by my victory, my confidence is renewed and I recoil to my world of criticism to vie upon my preys.
Being a Hindu I have the choice of offering my grace to any of the 32 crores of gods and goddesses. But for myself I count them as one and pray to the almighty whoever He might be. I am often baffled by the number but I feel the sages of the time who created them discerned the multitudinous Indian population and fostered to their requirements accordingly, hoping and praying for peace and prosperity for their posterity. I envisage their magnitudinal vision and venerate their sagacity. But being a quibbling soul I find ways and means to fuss on matters that do not matter at all.
This trip to the land of religion, once in a while makes me wonder about my belief. How true a devotee I am to my religion… but I know am neither an atheist nor a loyalist. My fickle mind doesn’t allow me to have a stable belief and questions even the actions of god. This constant vendetta keeps me engaged and however unproductive and uneventful my life may seem to me, I am gratified to know that I can be the source of inspiration of many a tormented soul.
DISCOVERING MYSELF 